After a Breakup: Getting Back in the Game

Getting over a breakup isn't easy. In fact, it can be downright awful.

It's easy to slip into feelings of guilt if you're the one who leaves, or feelings of abandonment if you've been left behind. A broken heart taxes your body as well as your emotions.

While some people deal with breakups by hunkering down in front of the TV with a pint of ice cream, others go online, obsessively searching for a new mate to substitute for the old one.

When you're feeling desperate and needy, that's not the time to doggedly look for Mr. or Ms. Right. Instead of succumbing to the stress of the breakup, focus on making yourself feel whole and more attractive. Here are a few ways to do that.

Get pampered

Find positive ways to soothe your body and soul. "Indulge in a makeover to see and believe in a new you," says Debbie Mandel, a fitness and stress-management expert in Lawrence, N.Y. Make an appointment for a facial or a new hairdo. Spend the day at a spa with a friend.

Find and flaunt your talents

Because relationships take time, you probably have a few holes in your schedule. Use your time to figure out where you can excel. Cook your favorite recipe, spruce up your home, take dancing lessons or enter a Scrabble tournament.

Take care of your body

Eat right and don't wallow in junk food, says Mandel. Prepare for a marathon. Play tennis, swim or bike. Getting in shape and improving your stamina will help you feel better about yourself.

Consider joining a health club or signing up for a tai chi, yoga or aerobics class. Not only will you get the benefits of an endorphin rush, you'll also place yourself in a new social setting, says dating and relationship expert April Masini.

Talk it out

Find someone with whom you can be honest and open — a close friend or a therapist. Limit those conversations so they don't take over the rest of your life.

After his marriage of 25 years ended, Phillip (not his real name) of Charleston, S.C., spent at least an hour each day on the phone with his closest friend, Fred, lamenting his situation.

Months later, Phillip finally felt ready to register with an online dating service, through which he eventually found his new wife.

Rekindle old relationships

Don't spend too much time brooding alone. Google your old school mates or work colleagues and find out where they are. There's something comforting about spending time with people who knew you when.

Visit extended family or friends in another part of the country. If you're a parent, spend more time with your kids: Volunteer to coach a team or serve on a PTA committee.

When her boyfriend moved out after a five-year live-in relationship, Maria (not her real name) of Yorktown Heights, N.Y., turned to her friend Margie for support. "It was hard to even think about dating even though I wanted to," she says.

Maria dreaded celebrating her upcoming 30th birthday without a boyfriend, so she and Margie planned a last-minute trip to Las Vegas.

The long weekend away and the support of a good friend gave Maria a chance to test the waters. She didn't meet anyone special in Vegas, but it was Margie who introduced Maria to her current boyfriend, Al, six months after the trip.

Forge new relationships

It's OK to try Internet dating sites (at minimum, you'll realize just how many other people are searching for soul mates), but keep things light and make it clear in your profile that you recently were in another relationship.

"If you're a college student, do all the things that students do, including focusing on your studies," says Masini. This is one of the last times you'll find yourself immersed in a vast pool of single, age-appropriate adults, she says. Similarly, if you're employed, don't let your work fall by the wayside.

"Don't tell everyone your sad story," says Mandel. "Instead, listen to theirs."

Smile often, act friendly, and try to make every person you meet feel special. Before long, the void you're feeling will be filled with new and more-satisfying relationships.

Divorce: Helping your child cope with the breakup

Divorce is stressful for the entire family. Your child may feel as though his or her world has turned upside down. But there's good news. You can make your child's adjustment to the divorce much easier simply by choosing to interact responsibly with your spouse.

How to break the news

It's best if you and your spouse can tell your child about the divorce together. Speak honestly and simply, and skip the ugly details. You might say, "Your mom (or dad) and I have been having trouble getting along, so we think it's best for us to live apart."

Make sure your child understands that divorce is only between adults. Remind your child - repeatedly if necessary - that he or she did nothing to cause the divorce and that both of you love your child as much as ever.
Expect a mix of reactions

Initially, your child may be most interested in concrete things. Where will I live? Do I need to change schools? Who will take me to swimming lessons? As you work out the terms of the divorce, try to maintain your child's routine as much as possible - or be quick to establish a new routine. Knowing what to expect will help your child feel more secure.

But soon, the reality of divorce will settle in. A younger child might respond to the stress by reverting to behavior he or she had previously outgrown, such as sucking on a pacifier or wetting the bed. A resurgence of separation anxiety may strike as well. Help your child put his or her feelings into words.

An older child might respond to the stress with a mix of emotions - anger, anxiety, grief or even relief. If your child's anger turns inward, he or she may become depressed or withdrawn. Anger can have the opposite effect, too, causing a child to act out or develop behavior issues. Encourage your child to share his or her feelings as openly as possible.
Keep your child out of the fight

How your child adapts to the divorce is largely dependent on how you and your spouse act, especially toward each other.

* Don't force your child to choose sides.
* Don't use your child as a messenger or go-between.
* Don't argue or discuss child support issues in front of your child.
* Don't pump your child for information about the other parent.
* Don't use your child as a pawn to hurt the other parent.

Most importantly, don't speak badly about your spouse in front of your child. Children often identify themselves in terms of both parents. If you continually criticize the other parent, your child may begin to doubt himself or herself, too. Instead, respect your child's relationship with the other parent.
Don't bend the rules

It may be tempting to relax your parental rules while your child grieves over the divorce. But this will only make your child feel more insecure. Children thrive on consistency, structure and routine - even if they insist on testing the boundaries and limits. If your child shares time between two households, it's important for the rules to be similar in both homes.
Counseling can help

You might feel so hurt or overwhelmed by your divorce that you turn to your child for comfort and direction. But that's not your child's role. For help sorting through your feelings, you might join a divorce support group or seek counseling through a social service agency or mental health center.

Your child may also benefit from counseling, especially if he or she feels sad or angry or develops:

* Oppositional or defiant behavior
* Changes in personality
* Academic or peer problems
* Irrational fears or compulsive behavior
* Sleep or eating problems

Put your child first

During a divorce, interacting with your spouse might be the last thing you want to do - but it's important. Your child needs both of you. Work out custody arrangements and other details with your child's best interests in mind. Remember that a bitter or prolonged custody battle may take a serious toll on your child's mental health. Instead, help your child maintain a strong, loving relationship with the other parent as you work toward meeting common parenting goals. For your child, support from both parents may be the best tool for weathering the challenges of divorce.

Dream of Love

"Tell me of the love you dream
And I'll tell you what it'll be
Tell me of the one you want
And I'll pray that it'll be me.

You made a world where dreams come true
Take me there so I can be with you
'Cause to hold you tight and be with you
Is the only dream I want to come true."

When You Said I Love You Poem

"When you said, "I love you,"
I went over the moon.
My heart sang its glory,
The stars sang in tune.
As when with a word
God brought forth light,
So with these words
You ended my night.

So with these words
You made something new:
A bond of devotion
Between me and you.

How powerful words
To shape who we are!
We ponder in silence;
Our words cross a bar.

Your words crossed a threshold
And entered the past,
Yet they have created
A world that will last."

IM MISSING YOU LOVE POEM

"Have you ever bothered to realize
how much you mean to me?
I care so much for you inside
and miss you so deeply.

My mind is always curious about
the way things might have been.
As days go by and time goes by,
I look back once again.

All the time I held you in my arms,
I had the whole world right there.
There you were, comforting me with
all of your charms.

Every little kiss from you
was like a dream come true.
This love that I have inside my heart,
it all belonged to you!

It's funny, all those little things
I never thought I'd miss,
Like all those conversations we had,
or the first time we kissed.

I guess that what I'm trying to say,
is I miss and love you more each day!
It hurts me not to see you,
or not to know if you're ok.

I want you to understand
that I loved you from the start.
And I want you to know,
no matter how many miles
we may be apart,
you'll always hold a special place
in my heart."

5 keys to a Loving Successful Relationship

Love is Loyalty

If you are in love it means you look to no other person to meet your desires. It means you have no longing for another. Loyalty means you are faithful and devoted to the one you are with in every way. The moment you find yourself desiring another or taking long looks and fantasying, you are no longer in love with your partner and this must be addressed before your desires turn into action.

Loyalty means saying no to all temptation that might hinder your present bond of love. While you are in relationship you must respect the moment and open yourself up to your partner's potential as long as you are together. This does not mean you must be with someone the rest of your life. If a relationship threatens or harms you in anyway it is definitely time to move on. Loyalty is also about being loyal to your own values and respecting your partner's values.

Love is Trust

Do you have difficulties trusting others? Trust issues are based in fear. Every relationship we are involved in allows us to work on trust. This means communicating with a sense of honor and integrity. If you avoid your issues associated with trust it will continue to resurface until you acknowledge it and begin to clear negative belief patterns associated to your past. Trust in any relationship begins with how you feel about yourself. Do you trust yourself?

Love is Respect

The quality of respect will always lift a relationship up. Loving relationships involve a deep level of respect for yourself and your partner. The best way to respect your relationship is to never speak negatively about your partner. Some people get caught up in trashing their mate not realizing the consequences of their actions. Most people do not realize that the more they talk negatively about their spouse or partner to others it only creates destructive energy in the relationship. What happens is your family member or friends now hold a negative image of your partner in their mind long after the issue has been resolved. If you need to discuss your relationship concerns respect each other by seeking professional help.

Love is Appreciation

The true act of giving flows from the art of appreciation. Women tend to give more in a relationship than men. Thankfully, that is now changing. Men are ready to appreciate the feminine and honor the wisdom of women. Women are ready to appreciate the gentleness that comes from the strength of a real man. The secret every man should know is that if they give to their companion in a loving way which shows appreciation, they will receive love ten fold. For example, if a man acknowledges his partner in a meaningful way and goes out of his way to help around the house, their partner is more likely to connect sexually. Appreciating your partner, you transform loveless sex into passionate love encounters.

Stephanie Dowrick author of The Universal Heart writes, we function most healthy when we feel valued by others and value ourselves. This supports the development of loving and respectful relationships.

Love is Integrity

Are you afraid of admitting the truth of how you feel? What do you perceive happening to you if you do? Learning to stand in our own vulnerable takes courage and brings incredible strength to a relationship. Learn to be up front with how you feel such as, I am feeling vulnerable right now or I am feeling stressed about work and I just need some time to change my thoughts. When we can communicate honestly with our partner we open the door for understanding. Bring the gift of integrity into your relationship by being real with where you are in your own mind without blaming anyone for your experience.

Keys to a Successful Life!

*Master your mind and thoughts. Don't let them control you.

*Discover and learn to use your personal compass, feelings and emotions.

*The awesome power of focus and concentration. Eliminate distractions.

*Be organized and utilize your most valuable resource, time!

*Your Health, the most valuable thing you own.

*Become - Action and results orientated.

*Question limiting beliefs and uncover the truth!

*Learn the real secret behind goals. Affirmations.

*Face fear and destroy it!

*Communication. Ask for what you want, say what you feel and convey what you mean.

*Ego is a dirty word, clean yours up now.

*Be yourself, there is only one YOU.

*Most importantly put it all together and put it into practice.

Keys to Happiness

Let go of old baggage

Live without regrets

Live in the present

Everything in life is a teacher

No one has faults

THE MEANING OF HAPPINESS

Ancient Greek and early Christian writers first described different levels of emotion long ago.

Firstly, there is an immediate feeling, triggered by noticing something: something within, such as a new thought or memory, or something external, an event of some kind. This most fleeting type of happiness, we also call 'joy'.

The second level of emotion involves background mood, which lasts for more than just a few instants. Moods are often more complex than brief emotional experiences. To understand them better, we need to look at a basic range of emotions. It works like a color spectrum or musical scale with two complementary sides: painful and pain-free.

Spectrum of Emotions


Painful Pain Free

Wanting (desire/dislike) Satisfaction (contentment)

Anxiety Calm
Bewilderment Clarity
Doubt Certainty
Anger Acceptance (non anger)
Shame Worthiness
Guilt Innocence (purity)
Sadness Joy


Note how emotional pain begins with wanting things to be different somehow, with desire and dislikes. Love, Healing and Happiness describes how natural healing processes take us from desire and dislike to joy, and progress towards more lasting happiness and contentment.

This is the third level of emotions, referring to a more lasting personal disposition.

It is often easier to spot these things in others. "She is always cheerful", we might think, or, "He is usually grumpy and resentful". The difference between the second and third levels is partly one of duration. The third level also reflects something of an individual’s personality, but it is still possible for a person of normally happy and positive disposition to suffer a painful mood for a period of hours or days.

Some people also refer to a fourth level of emotion relating to how we think about ourselves, our overall reaction to our lives as they unfold. It is a matter of personal judgment. Phrases like, "I am happy (content) with it", or, "I am unhappy (discontent) with it", provide the most general alternatives. This is called 'social' happiness, because it involves awareness of other people as we tend to compare ourselves with those better or worse off than we think we are.

To summarize, the word 'happiness' can be thought of as having four related meanings. Firstly, happiness reflects the immediacy of joy, momentarily filling our minds. Secondly, happiness refers to a more prevailing mood, often including feelings of calm and clarity, also the absence of anger or any of the other painful emotions. Thirdly, happiness relates to a more enduring attitude of placid and joyful contentment (summed up in the word, ‘equanimity’) according to which, good feelings predominate over bad ones. Fourthly, happiness also refers to the thoughts a person has when reflecting on his or her life. To be happy with one’s life again reflects a degree of contentment.

Finally, there is a fifth level of meaning of the word "happiness".

This is better understood if we use the word, "bliss".

Like joy, bliss is an immediate and total experience. It fills conscious awareness, but with great intensity and often for much longer than fleeting joy, for minutes or even for days. Rather than a reaction to inner thoughts or external events, it is a rapturous response to the sacred wholeness of creation, suddenly perceived in its totality and perfection. This is a rare experience (but not as rare and unattainable as many people suppose). It is important because blissful rapture is often profoundly trans-formative, resetting the emotional mechanism and marking a big step away from the painful towards the pain-free.

There is no equivalent sensation for any of the painful emotions. Bliss leads not only to emotional healing, growth and maturity, but also – as Larry explains in his remarkable book – to spiritual development and wisdom, to a better experience and understanding of love, and so to a better future, a better life. We do not normally reach it all at once but in gradual stages, and we can learn what to do (and what to avoid doing) to make progress on this path. Everyone benefits when we do. When you understand how it works, it is hard to avoid the conclusion that this is what we must do. It is what our lives are for. The road to happiness-at each of these five levels – is what gives human life its true meaning.